CapJacking: The First Chronicle
by The Serious Fool
Summary: The Tenth Doctor and Captain Jack Harkness are on a mission to get a bunch of people together for... something. Because an ever-present, obnoxious voice commands them.  Content warning: strong language, captains, Jacks, depravity, and insanity abound
1. Intro Checklist

Cole Nixon CapJacking checklist

Total Points: 30

Captain Jacks (2 Points):

Captain Jack Harkness

Captain Jack Sparrow

Captain Jack Harkness (real)

Commander-Captain Jack Shepard

Captains (1 Point):

Captain America

Captain Planet

Captain Barbosa

Captain Morgan

Captain John Hart

Dark Knight Captain Cecil

Dragon Knight Captain Cain

Captain Kirk

Captain John Price

Captain John "Soap" MacTavish

Captain Viral

Jacks (1 Point):

Jack Skellington

Jack Bauer

Jack Daniels

Jacqueline Tyler

"Jack" from ME2

Jack from Bioshock

Jack from Harvest Moon

Raiden

Big Boss

The Joker

Jack from Lost

Unaligned (0 Points):

Face of Boe

Tenth Doctor

The Master

Assortment of DC and Marvel Villains

The Daleks

Former Time Agents Colette Alpha and Kriss Omega (author avatars)

Crew of the Normandy

The population of the planet Orion

Toad (he gets all the bitches)

Final Count: 30

4 Captain Jacks,

11 Captains,

11 Jacks

Fuckload of Unaligned


	2. Chapter 1  Game Time

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Doctor Who, Torchwood, Star Trek, or any of the other half-ton or more things that I am borrowing from to make this crossover.

Jack Harkness woke up standing upright, in a featureless white void, stretching infinitely in all directions. Gravity didn't seem to exist in this void, and if it did, it definitely didn't hold him down in any way. And yet, there was enough air pressure for him to breathe, despite the lack of sky or any enclosure around him… odd. An obnoxious voice suddenly boomed in from all directions:

"BEING WHO CALLS HIMSELF JACK HARKNESS. IT IS I, THE VOICE OF GOD IF HE WERE A FRATBOY, DUDEBRO."

Jack was reasonably disturbed by the voice, because if this God was anything like the Christian god, he was in for a world of hurt. But if that was so, why was he in this strange place, as opposed to a lake of fire or that other stuff?

"LISTEN TO ME, BROSKIJ, YOU AIN'T DEAD IN THE SLIGHTEST, AND I GOT IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT THIS AIN'T HELL, MMMMBITCH. I AM NOT THE WRATHFUL GOD OF THE BIBLE, BUT INSTEAD THE WRITER GOD, WHO MAKES YOU DO INNAPROPRIATE THINGS. Y'KNOW, LIKE A COLLEGE FRATERNITY STRAIGHT OUTTA ANIMAL HOUSE, EXCEPT EVEN WORSE."

Jack, at this time, really wasn't one for floating in some kind of limbo, so he piped up: "Can you make it snappy? I feel like I'm gonna be sick in here."

"SETTLE DOWN, BROSEPH, I'VE GOTTA REMEMBER MY PLACE IN THE SCRIPT. AHEM! MY DAWG BRO DUDE DUDEBRO DOG, YOU MUST ASSEMBLE A TEAM OF THE MOST ELITE WARRIORS WHO SHARE A CERTAIN NAMING THEME AND HAVE THEM FIGHT UNDER YOUR BANNER FOR GREAT JUSTICE! DRAMATIC PAUSE."

"Yeah, I don't think you're supposed to read that out loud, but what do I know? Allright then, o mighty Writer God, what are the champions that I must muster up for… something? What the hell is this list right here? Points? What's the Unaligned thing? The Daleks are in on this? And is this a barbecue stain?"

"ENOUGH, PRO BRONO. YOU ARE GOING TO FIND THESE PEOPLE OR ELSE YOU WILL BE ICED BY ONE OF YOUR BROS WITH A SMIRNOFF ICE (disclaimer cont. : I also don't own Smirnoff Ice, bt dubs). NOW LISTEN BEFORE I GO STRAIGHT UP COMPTON ON YOUR ASS. THE UNALIGNED CATEGORY IS FOR NEUTRAL OR ENEMY PEOPLES, EXCEPT FOR THE DOCTOR AND SOME OTHERS, AND YOU NEED TO ROUND UP THESE SPECIFIC CAPTAINS AND JACKS IN ORDER TO STOP A CATACLYSM FROM COMING TO PASS. I'D CONTINUE, BUT I RAN OUT OF QUARTERS FOR THE CALLBOX, AND SECURITY GUARDS ARE CLOSING IN CALLYOUBACKBYE!"

A click, followed by a dial tone, reverberated through the void, and in an instant, Jack woke up inside the TARDIS. Jack woke up like he frequently woke up outside of his manhole in Torchwood 3: he woke up naked. He looked down at his chest, and saw a sheet of paper, with the list printed on one side. Down to the barbecue stain, it was the same list that had been floating in front of him in the void. He stared down at it for a few moments before realizing something: he was naked.

In the middle of the TARDIS.

And the Doctor could walk in at any time.

Heh. Time.

But anyways, he had to find out if there was a closet or something in here where he could find something to wear, preferably a pair of pants using Time Lord technology. Because they're bigger on the inside. Dick joke.

*Amount of time unspecifiable, due to the fact that he's in the TARDIS…*

Jack has gotten clothes on, and with convenient timing, too. The Doctor, walking right in, noticed him and said a rather nervous hello. Jack smiled and grabbed him in a hug.

"Doctor, am I glad to see you! Have you fixed my whole 'infinite lives' problem yet?"

The Doctor smiled back at him in an awkward un-smile.

"Why, yes, of course, your shiny diamond-hard immortality thing. Well, not yet, I'm afraid, but soon enough, I will have the solution ready for you. I was going to work on it before you got here. How did you get here, anyway?"

"A being with an ever present frat boy voice warped me into a void before landing me inside the TARDIS naked."

"Definitely isn't the weirdest thing I've heard before. Or seen before. Or had eat me before.

"I'm trying very hard not to think up a joke for that. It's not working."

"I know. So, what is it you want me to help you with, other than the whole not dying thing?"

Jack nonchalantly passed the list off to the Doctor, and the Doctor scanned it quickly. He stopped when he got to the Unaligned portion.

"Hold on a minute. The Master is alive again? And the Daleks, too? How many times do I have to put them through genocide before the damn trashcans stay dead? And what's with all these berks I've never heard of before?"

"A lot of them are from shows and video games, apparently. Not sure why that is, but there you go."

The Doctor, upon reaching the spot just before the barbecue stain, began to have a look on his face, a look of realization, inspiration, and good times for all.

"Don't you get it, though? Fiction can represent whole parallel worlds, alternate time lines, bubbles intersected by one dimensional strings spanning into eternity. Which means… this might just be bigger than anything else I've tackled."

The Doctor walked over to the control panels of the TARDIS, wildly inputting coordinates and checking gagues, getting ready for a jump. Jack turned, a confused look on his face.

"What are you doing?"

The Doctor raised his head up and grinned, a gleam in his eye.

"I'm going to find something that will help us a lot."

Afterward, the Doctor pulls a switch, and the TARDIS begins to whir to life, the world outside of the blue box rapidly sliding away.

Author's note: Finally got this thing done! A few fragments and some spelling errors, but hopefully, not enough to make one's eyes bleed. Next chapter will be something unexpected...


End file.
